Different places where
we’ve lived have built their identities around different celebration days.
Growing up in New Jersey, we knew July 4th was definitely parade day. That was pounded in our earliest memories by
those booming high school band drums, resonating in the pit of our stomachs as
we hung enthralled on our mother’s hand. Nearby New York, of course, televised the
extravaganza down Wall Street known as “Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.”[1] In Louisville, Kentucky
the big day was Pegasus Day, to celebrate the Kentucky Derby. These days we
have to vacate our store-front church on the main street in Beverly,
Massachusetts by noon if we want to avoid the traffic snarl that is the colorful
Santa Claus Parade, when local merchants can bean you from on top of floats if
your eyes aren’t peeled for incoming candy, peppering the sidelines like
hail. But nothing beats the circus
that is Salem on Halloween. Trading on
its reputation, Salem draws thousands of sightseers to its “Haunted Happenings”
events, replete with “Horribles” parades when kids dress up like the undead and
all the doo-dad shops have their curio occult action figures, witch tee shirts,
and other Samhain-knock-off junk on sale at special prices. It’s sometimes hard for Christians to remind
ourselves that October 31st is actually Reformation Day and handing
out candy to little kids in Disney match-product outfits is really celebrating
one of God’s great days and not just warding off spooks with bribes.
Associating
Halloween with horror is especially true for those of us who teach in the
cities around Massachusetts Bay, because October is the month when the first
round of student papers come in. Don’t
get us wrong. We love our students and teaching
is delightful – we’ve been doing it long enough now (in both our cases on and
off since the late 1960s),[2] but we can both verify
that no teacher on any level we ever met likes grading. The horror of piles of student papers can
easily quell the ardor of any who venture into this noble profession without a
true calling. You pour your little heart
out sharing the treasures of knowledge, laying out your assignments with the
care and caution that an explorer would when explaining the traps and dangers
of a misstep on a map to King Solomon’s mines and what happens? Boom!
How many students stumble right before your disbelieving eyes into some
embarrassing boffo, yawning like a pit of inattentive doom beneath their unwary
feet. Of course, many of these are
avoidable, if they just paused and proofed their work. Over the years Bill has noted a few of these
bloopers as a caution to other intrepid students on the road to theological
knowledge, and here are a smattering like Juju trinkets in an old Tarzan movie,
warning all to check our work carefully, we who would enter here.
So, here’s a
starter received a few years ago in Bill’s Systematic Theology #1 class on a term
paper practically applying the loving kindness of God to human interaction: “If
I teach this in Sunday school. I want to
teach through four weeks of Bible Study.
Through this Bible Study, I want my church members to learn and practice
lack of forgiveness and mercy.” Bill replied to this student, “It won’t
take you 4 weeks to teach your people to be unforgiving and merciless. Those ‘talents’ are natural.”
But, there’s plenty
more misguided piety where that came from like: “Christians disobey the word of
God faithfully.” (And do they also sin
devoutly?).
On
historical notes:
“Antemomian
tendencies.” (Bill had to point out, only Adam was ante mom, being the only
human who didn’t have one.)
“Because of sin
God cast both of them out of his presents.” (No Christmas stocking stuffers for them!)
“Adam the man
plugged the world into sin and only a sinless man could redeem us saving us
from the sting of death and restoring us by robbing us in his
righteousness.” (Can’t trust anybody these days?)
“[God] also
entrusted Adam to bare a nation of people, who would conquer sin through
obedience.” (This must be commentary from Nudist Colony Bible: e.g., “As
people were fruitful and multiplied, the production of fig leaves could not
meet the market demand.)
“Moses could only
handle seeing a smart part of God’s glory without it killing him (Exodus
32:20-22).” (Bill had to ask: “Are you
speculating there was a dumb part that would have finished him off?”)
“God set aside
cities of refuse.” (Where Israel could recycle all its garbage?)
“The
awful/terrible storm arose; it was so strong that boat has began to shrink,
and the Professional Fishermen were very concerned/alarmed with a sense of
desperation.” (By this time, they must have all been standing on one foot in
the center of the boat, wondering how small this thing was going to get!)
“[Jesus] slept in
a moving sheep (Mark 8:24) and he was tired when he walked for along
time (John 4:6).” (The jostling by that
peripatetic sheep must have kept waking him up.)
“The Council of
Chalcedon declares that scared things and humanity are in the same
personality.” (Yes, reading this paper,
your professor has been feeling a bit of free-floating anxiety himself these
days…)
“[God] made it so
that the church will exist in the church.”
(Makes sense, otherwise the church would be nowhere…)
“During an
interview conducted by a group of Christians at Boston common regarding Jesus
divinity, many being interviewed believed that Jesus was a massager sent
down from God.” (Sort of like a personal trainer?)
“The
characteristics of the youth at risk within the city: the following is the list
of a couple of traits. *Teens in their
middle to late teens. *Most are males (the females too).” (So that’s why the girls are so tough!)
“We are it children,
and we are the chosen of living Father.”
(If all of us are “it,” how do we play?)
“God is the hop
for the future.” (The future just being a hop, skip, and a jump away.)
The following
students may have skipped lunch to work on their papers:
“The death has wined
all human being from the first man Adam” (and dined us, too.)
“[This paper] will
compare and contrast Christianity as a belief system of grace and Islam as a
religion of woks.” (Can one fit surahs in fortune cookies?)
“The Baha’ism
believe that salivation is something that could be done by the
cooperative contributions of both human and God.” (Sort of like a divine/human
gourmet cookoff?)
“Jesus is the
perfect gift of God to human beings for salivation.” (“Taste and see
that the Lord is good?”)
“More over we
can’t find faith in infants because they are not conscious of the salivation
process.” (But they eat heartily just the same.)
“We need to
sustain our salivation every day until we reach our destination.” (The
Great Food Chute in the Sky?)
“[Satan] knew Jesus was angry after
forty days of fasting. (Where’s the
beef!!!)
“Christ was made fresh
and was God.” (Sounds like the next day there was a day-old Christ sale…)
He paid the rice
for us to rise from the grave.” (That would have put salvation on the
barter system.)
“How should we
respond individually and corporately to clams of divine healing?” (Serve them on the half shell?)
“All Christians
and churches have to confess before God that we are ‘greed’ like a fig.”
(But, thank God, not as bad as a
pomegranate?)
“The Westminster Lager Catechism” (only
recited in beer halls).
“In short, the
beginning of MAÑANA, Dr. González gleans on a vast amount of material, which relishes
on the hundreds of encounters and discussions with Hispanics from all walks
of life.” (Hot dogs, anyone?)
“The Israelites
were delivered out of slavery and God allowed them to experience His
omnipotence by making them wonder the dessert for 40 years.” (And not
only wondering about dessert, but often unsure where the next main course was
coming from…)
On
practical matters:
“The treasure time of prayer is ‘Saebuk Gido’
which stands for early morning or darn prayer.” (as opposed to late night or goshhangit
prayer?)
“To Israelites,
while Gentiles are enemies to kill, and they are the object of hospitality.” (We can do this hospitality thing the easy
way or the hard way…)
“Preaching sermons
on omnipotence of God and how the bible say He will never forsaken us for a
series of three months.” (After that, we’re on our own?)
“They urge
everyone to seek the Lord together individually.” (whichever works.)
“The periscope
fits in the overall of the letter.” (So,
the rest of the submarine must be in the subtext?)
“Jesus was born
into a family in Bethlehem and grew up in Nazareth just like any of us.” (I
myself grew up on the Street of the Spitting Camel, right next to the Falafel
shop.)
On
theological matters:
“Is it wrong for a
woman to receive sperm from a woman who is not her husband?” (Is it even
possible?)
“Jesus was the substation
for our sins.” (His heavenly Father was the main line?)
“The Son (who came
forth from Him and taught us these things along with the lost of the
other good angels who follow are made like him).” (If they ever locate these
missing angels, maybe cable TV can star them in a sequel: “Lost 2: The Celestial
Island.”)
“And also Luke
4:41 says that all creation know that he is Don of God and Christ.” (Who’s Don?
And what happened to George Burns and Bruce Almighty?)
“And without the
death of Christ dying on the cross I would be free today of my sins.” (But he
died, so I’m not?)
“Jesus died on the
cross for our sins and rose from the grave that me might be saved.” (“Me
saved, Tarzan – you, too?)
“The birth
actually happened and Jesus dwelt among mankind and took on human nature with
sinning.” (C’mon! There were so many fish in the Sea of
Galilee, Jesus never cheated on his income tax!)
“Sanctification is
the process in which nouns are made holy so that they may be pure and
blameless in God’s sight.” (Is there no hope for verbs?)
“God is just means
that He administers his decree fairy without showing favoritism or
partiality.” (Sort of like the tooth fairy but with more muscle.)
“There is neither Jew
or Greek, there is neither bond or free, there is neither male nor female: for
ye are all on in Christ Jesus.”
(So, get on wid’cha good self!)
“In Revelation 20
there is the discussion of the thousand year rain.) (When that happens, plug
in the sump pumps!)
“The Bible is the
Word of God and it has no error.
Everything written on it is correct and true.” (From the Gospel
of Thomas to Rudy Bultmann to the boys in the back of the Jesus Seminar,
it’s all good???)
“Professor William
Spencer Trust says in his systematic Theology 2 lecture notes, ‘Trust the Bible
and do not fear scientific inquiry.” (A Trust we can trust.)
“Also there are
numerous biblical support in the Newt Testament.” (A salamander’s-eye
view of religion.)
“Bultmann’s prose
is dense and often elusive. However,
this little boob outlines his related approaches to Biblical
interpretation and theology.” (That’s why we’ve assigned the twerps and twits
to tackle his philosophy and applications.)
“John Calvin uses the same passage to
emphasize the Divinity and Eternity of the World in his INSTITUTES.” (Wait
a minute! Calvin didn’t read James Lovelock with his Gaia hypothesis and Carl
Sagan with his eternal universe. They wouldn’t be born for 5 more centuries!)
“As Arminius, I
believe that to be able to reach the salvation we have to persevere until the
end.” (As Calvin, however, I would
disagree.)
On
other religions:
“The Queen of
Sheba was taken b[y] Solomon love for his people and GOD. She was told that GOD was a loving GOD, and
from what was at hand it was true. Sheba came to seek and find out about his
GOD and his land. What she found out was
so great that she became a Buddhist.” (Later
on, did she join Mr. Moon?)
“They consider it
quite in order to break their marriage wows when the romance ‘rubs
off.’” (Like that old traditional blues song that we’ve just written laments: “The
wow is gone/ It’s gone away/The wow is gone/It’s gone away/I got one choice/To
cry or pray.”)
“While Jehovah’s
Witnesses are generally sincere, dedicated people, they still need a theological
grid that is able to sustain a faith sufficient to appease God’s righteous
demand for sin.” (Which god was
that?)
“It is Chris himself who builds the
church by calling his people to himself as he promised.” (Fine, Chris. You call your people. I’ll call mine, and
we’ll do lunch and maybe plan to build a manse next.)
Here’s one Aίda
received in her course on interpreting the book of James: “Religious observance
without ethical practice is a matter of deceiving oneself in one’s own heart –
it is an exercise in fertility.”
(“Is that what God meant by “Be fruitful and multiply!”)
And, finally, from
a student self-evaluation sheet, answering the question: “Did any external
circumstances such as illnesses, etc. limit your class work.” The answer was, “no just age and memor--”
We think that last
one speaks for all us erring humans in its authentic pathos. As for the rest, who needs Halloween? These bloopers are scary enough!
Paul told Timothy
in the letter that we’ve come to call 2 Timothy that his young protégé should
literally, “Make every effort to be conscientious (that is, be zealous or
eager, taking great pains) to render yourself approved as if by test (with the
connotation of being tried and true, or genuine) to God, a worker unashamed,
using (or interpreting) correctly the word of truth.”[3]
This advice, of
course, applies to the future pastors we’re training, but doesn’t it also apply
to ourselves? It certainly applies to
the author of this blog entry! Because
the very next sentence Bill wrote was: “Aίda and Bill both let our students
redo their pastors…” Oops! Papers! (Hopefully that wasn’t a Freudian slip. Our pastors work hard trying to please the
Lord and edify the people and don’t need us working them over.) As for Bill’s blooper, we didn’t catch it
until the second reading by Aίda, whose sharp eye ferreted it out. This just
proves that nobody’s exempt – including the profs – once again underscoring Bill’s
adaption of the old adage: “To err is human, to not notice it is embarrassing.”
What Bill meant to write, of course, was: “Aίda and Bill both let our students
redo their papers.” Why do we do that? Because a mistake unnoticed like Bill made
writing this blog highlights our need for mercy and empathy, two activities all
of us, no matter our callings, should cultivate in all our daily
interactions. Let’s face it: boffos are
the human plight, no matter what our occupation. In our case, we are called to train
ministers. We realize that how we treat
our students in class sets a pattern for how they will treat those to whom they
will minister. So, throughout all of our
courses, we provide the opportunities for students to correct any errors
without penalty, redoing the papers to master the course and raise the grade
right up to the last day of class.[4]
In our work, as
teachers, we have to remind ourselves that instant correction is not always
available if we should teach errors or, in life, if any of us through a
thoughtless word or action hurt one another.
Irreparable damage can be done that’s hard to correct if we discover our
error after students graduate and disperse.
This is why teachers are promised to be judged more strictly (James
3:1). We really do need to get what we teach right to do no harm and that’s why
we want to make sure our students learn and pass on what’s right. That’s what the term “orthodoxy” means –
“right doctrine.” Orthopraxy means
“right practice (or action).” Being fallen humans, we try our best, but it’s
also why we need God’s mercy daily.
In general,
however, all Christians these days have to be careful to be conscientious in
everything we do and in everything we say to others if we want to please God
and represent the truths of the Bible by which we want to live before a
watching world. That’s why empathy and
kindness and spreading God’s love are the real messages we should be drawing
from Reformation Day and All Hallow’s Eve and sharing generously like Christmas
“wassailing”[5]
gifts with everyone else.
Bill
[1] Fueled in our childhood by
Valentine Davies’s 1947 book Miracle on 34th Street and
George Seaton’s 3 Oscar-winning movie of the same year.
[2] Those who want to see our mature
thoughts on how to teach, please consult our brand new book Empowering
English Language Learners: Successful Strategies of Christian Educators
(from Wipf and Stock’s House of Prisca and Aquila Series), that Bill edited with
Cal Teach-educated scholar and ESL teacher Jeanne DeFazio, which includes a superb
set of seasoned teachers with experience teaching from migrant camps and
pre-school right on up the educational
ladder to grammar school to high school to college to seminary graduate school.
[3] 2 Timothy 2:15. Bill’s amplified
literal translation.
[4] We have to cut off there,
otherwise, when the Lord comes back for us, as we rise to meet Jesus in the sky,
and thrilling to enter our eternal rest, suddenly in our face the beatific
vision blots out by an energetic fluttering as a student in front of us, waves
one last revision while swimming across the air to us like a sky diver in
reverse!
[5] The old British version of Treat,
but no Trick, in the Christmas season.
[6]image further information:
Thanks for sharing these! I was laughing so hard I had to take a break in the middle.
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