One night after a
week of spending hours waiting on the telephone waiting for our server to be
repaired and then a new one installed, I had the strangest dream.
I was a
seminarian attempting to enroll in a program called: “Learn Your Theology the
Easy and Cheap Way with the EIS.” It was one fifth the cost of any school in
the Northeast. The monitor explained, all I needed is a computer, an internet,
and a willing heart!
Easy Internet
System (EIS) had reviews. I decided to check them out. There were only two.
(1) “I
loved EIS! I didn’t have to take any notes! All was recorded for me! As a
matter of fact, I painted all my toe nails purple while I listened.” Sharmaine
(2) “Save
your money! EIS is a sham! Better read a book. Ten viruses attacked my computer
and it cost me hundreds of dollars to fix.”
Ernest
This all sounded
hopeful, so I charged my card $500 and began!
“Are you a
current customer or future customer? Punch 1 for future; 2 for current.” I
punched 1.
“What language
do you want? Punch 1 for English; 2 for Spanish; 3 for Mandarin; 4 for Dutch.”
I punched 1 for English. This whole process was easy, and I remained hopeful.
“How much can
you read? Punch 1 for elementary level; 2 for high school; 3 for college; 4 for
master’s level; 5 for doctorate; 6 for ‘I don’t know’.” I punched 6. I had a
GED high school equivalency and a few college level courses. Where do I fit?
“What do you
want to study? Doctrine of…? Punch 1 for God; 2 for Jesus; 3 for the Holy
Spirit; 4 for the church; 5 for end times.” I punched 5 for the end times. I
wanted to ask what “doctrine” meant, so I then typed out “question.” I got
“Quest Axis”—an advertisement for new wheel bearings for the Axis truck with
the model “Quest.” I didn’t have a truck, so I tried to get back to a page in
my EIS class, but my computer indicated “no internet.” I then had to spend an
hour with my internet server fixing the connection problem. When I got back on
to the EIS site, the computer wanted me to pay $500 again, but, of course, I
couldn’t do that! I called them up, but they were open only from 9 a.m.-3 p.m.,
so I had to wait overnight. When I called the next morning, at first the robot
voice wanted me to pay, but I kept yelling “agent!,” “agent,” and “operator”
until I got a human voice on the telephone. To show they were an institution
with integrity, the representative moved me on to the first page of my class: “Are
you a current or future customer?” I repeated the same set of questions until I
got back to “end times”! (I still had not learned what “doctrine” meant, but I was
hoping to learn.)
The next
question was, “Who is the Antichrist? If you think it is the Pope, press 1; the
archbishop of Canterbury, press 2; the current president of the United States,
press 3; the past president of the United States, press 4; the next president
of the United States, press 5; your favorite TV nondenominational evangelist,
press 6 three times; or other, press 7.” I thought the Antichrist was my next-door
neighbor, so, I pressed “other.”
Next, I was
asked, “when is Jesus coming?” That is a good question and I wanted to know!
“Press 1 for it is none of your business!; 2 for the year 2020; 3 for after the
tribulation; 4 for before the tribulation; 5 for after you get your raise and
can build a swimming pool; 6 for after you finish this course.” That was a hard
one. I deliberated for a long time between 6 and 5 with 4 coming up as a back
up choice. Before I knew what happened, the question timed out and a repeating
line raced across my screen in a different font saying, “clean-up needed in aisle
666,” “clean-up needed in aisle 666,” “clean-up needed in aisle 666”… That was
a puzzler. But, eventually, I guessed the computer must have cleaned-up aisle
666, because we moved on: it was the end of the first class.
To finish up,
EIS had a quiz for me for my first grade. I was so enthused. If I was getting a
grade, then I knew I was progressing in my knowledge of theology! But I no
sooner began to read when I noticed that my computer had frozen! I began
hitting every possible icon I could find on the computer. With no results, I
turned it off and then turned it back on and got on my site again. Again, EIS
wanted to charge me $500, but this time I got the robot voice on the phone who
helped me get back on. When I got back to the final quiz, I saw that I had
failed it because it was timed to complete in 5 minutes, and I had been gone
for an hour!
At that I woke
up in a sweat and looked around at the darkened room and realized it was all a nightmare
and I was now free from EIS! It was only a dream! I still had my $500 left.
Whew!
I got dressed
and resolved to give my students more personal attention, remembering that it
takes a person communicating with another person to teach God’s truths to other
trustworthy people who will then be able to pass them on to others (2 Timothy
2:2). I was determined to give more personal attention to each and every
student I had. And I wanted to make sure that I always treated the internet as
my helper, not my master. And I remembered what John Arbuckle said, you get
what you pay for!
Aida
